It's something I needed lately, obviously I haven't blogged much. Sorry. I just haven't felt like myself. Yogas been over for sometime and I just don't have any motivation for anything. I wanna sleep all day and night. My mood has drastically changed from happy silly outgoing inspired to blah. yeah blah is the only word I could come up with. -sigh- It's so bizarre how one thing can change your life and mood and pretty much your entity. I hate the fact I rely on it so much to make me feel like "me", but it's a whole hell of a lot better than relying on some synthetic drug that completely makes me fake/zombie. I started taking antidepressants again(after years and years of denying them) back in November, I was going through anxiety and depression and wanted a quick fix. well it worked. It "fixed" feeling. I felt nothing. I lost my appetite (my fav part of the whole thing) I lost the need to sleep, I lost me. I just went about everyday, went to work came home and just wanted to be alone. What I gained (since I wasn't sleeping) was being more creative and artistic which was def a ++(that's how this blog came about), and I also gained a whole collection of vintage clothes (none for myself of coarse) I look back now and all the shit I bought while taking meds was just stuff to fill a void... I didn't need any of it. A lot of which is still sitting in a box with the sole intention of selling in my shop... my MIDNIGHT BIKE RIDE....
Anyway, January came and went still taking meds, my sis started doing sumits yoga, (a more intense bikrim.. hot yoga)... I was intrigued so I signed up for just regular bikrim 30 days for 30 bucks. I was hooked after the first class, as I have mentioned in previous posts, I went 21 days out of the 30. I was addicted to the feeling of accomplishment, of the daily breakthroughs that I did for myself. It was something I actually stuck with. (exercise and me are not exactly friends).I stopped taking meds after 3 classes... I lost 10lbs, started eating better, gaining control of my mood and self and everything came naturally I was more happy, I was outgoing, I was creative, I slept normally(not too much, not too little). For once in my life it was genuine happiness. I didn't look in the mirror and look at myself and see the bad, I saw the good and the improvements that I had done!
So it's been over for a couple months now and I just feel as though I took 3 steps forward in my life and now I've just gone back 2... its just this thing I need in my life to function properly. I've gone through so much self-loathing the past two weeks. I hate feeling this way, I hate vocalizing my flaws, I hate just not feeling happy. so why not just get back into yoga you ask... easy, after the 30 days its 120 a months..... eeeek! If i could afford it I would, but I question how people do it. I make money but it all goes to bills, I have some left over but usually its gas and groceries.... I'm definitely going to figure out my budget cus I need to get my life going.... this sad sleepy unmotivated girl needs to leave... for good.
sorry for such a depressing post. Sometimes I just need an outlet.
on a happy note here are some flowers.... all for ME...
okay okay I'll share... <3 <3 <3
Have a lovely Thursday!
xoxo
andreah
---all photos were taken by yours truly---
Everyone is entitled to have a down day. Isn't that what friends and outlets like this is for? But no sad day tomorrow, friend....
ReplyDeleteXOXO,Kim